Lurkers

I hate lurkers. You know the people I’m talking about. Usually sad old lonelies that treasure every ounce of communication they can get with the pharmacy clerk. Lurkers are people that spend way too much time performing a task that should be completed in a matter of seconds. Lurkers spend too much time in the passing lane, too much time at the checkout counter, and too much time making any decision in general. A typical lurker sets up camp immediately upon arriving at the front of the line. This ceremony can involve reading glasses, check books, open purses, coupons, talking with friends to help with the life and death decisions at Mcdonald’s, distracting children, and sometimes and overall misunderstanding of the English language. Lurkers are easy to spot. Next time you are in a line, glance around and study the other sheeples. The lurkers are the people that are making no attempt whatsoever at making a decision. Lurkers will be testing, talking on the phone, or just standing there with an empty look on their faces. When their turn comes up, it’s like you surprise them by asking them what they’d like to order. They always look taken aback…like they had no idea why they were even in the line in the first place. I hate people.

Quote

Do not look at the solitary acts of mankind and those of independent dictators and loose faith in our species. Look at the engineering marvels, the cooperative philanthropy, and all the human collaborative intellectual efforts in order to restore faith in mankind.

Stockton. Hell on Earth.

Here is a visual representation of the crime in Stockton over a 5 day period. Good times! For a more detailed report, check this out.

If you have no other option but to drive I5 through Stockton, here is what you need before you go: 1. A complete vehicle inspection. Have your vehicle checked over by a mechanic with autism and OCD. If he as much recommends changing your wiper blades, do it. 2. Life insurance. Should the unthinkable happen and you find yourself broken down in Stockton, you will most likely die. Leave something behind for those you love. 3. Hat's and T-shirts with every gang color imaginable. If by some very poorly made plans, you need gas in Stockton, when you first pull off the highway, assess your situation. What is the most prominent color? Who seems to be the alpha males? Are there any corpses nearby? If so, what color are they wearing? Dress appropriately and proceed to pump gas. Use a credit card, never expose any actual currency while inside the borders of Stockton. 4. Backup. Never drive through Stockton alone. Always make sure you have a spotter. If you can afford it, hire a private security firm. Take 3 SUV's with you and rotate their locations in line every 5 minutes 5. Firearms. This might go without saying, but if you are in Stockton for any reason, you WILL be forced to defend yourself. I recommend a sawed off 12 gauge shotgun loaded with at least quad-druple aught magnum buckshot. 6. A bible. When you are inevitably gunned down in Stockton, the police most likely won't respond. People getting shot in Stockton is like jaywalking in most cities. Always have some religious material on you at all times. You will soon be meeting your maker. 7. Military grade flak vest. Pull off at any rest area about 20 minutes either side of Stockton to put on your gear. I recommend a Kevlar helmet as well. If traveling at night, night vision is preferable.

The next cool

I'm sick of the word cool. It's time I invented the next cool. We all know that once our parents start using words in their proper context, it's time to move on. The first time I hear my parents use the word cool, I cringed and the word was forever marred. Throughout history, the young have used words that were outside the comprehension of the elderly to describe things they like. Words like Groovy, Hip, Fresh, Rad, Happenin, Solid, Etc...These words have all run their course and been laid to rest in the graveyard of words our parents have made completely irrelevant. Cool has been playing out way past its shelf life. Cool seems unwilling to die. Parents all over the nation are molesting this word, beating it mercilessly in the groin, stabbing it repeatedly in the face....and yet....it continues to limp along. I give cool some respect for hanging in there, but someone must be willing to deal cool the final death blow. I am willing to accept that challenging. I will step up to cool, place my sawed off 12 gauge up to its temple, and blast it's outdated brains all over the metaphorical wall. Let me also say that cool makes zero sense in the context it's used. In fact, that's that basis for the genius word I have come up with. Think about a word that literally makes no sense in describing a favorable situation. This guarantees that parents and the elderly will be so confused, unwilling, and unsure of how to use this word that it will last for at least a decade. Once old people hear this new word enough times, once they finally feel comfortable enough to throw it out there, dip their toes in the water, and awkwardly use this descriptor in its proper context, it's time to move on. Sooo....on to the genius that will flow from what will undoubtedly be validated as one of the world’s greatest minds....what will young people use to describe favorable scenarios for the next decade? The next cool will be: loud.....think about it....

Alcohol and my life

Thanks for being so proactive in responding to my blog assholes. It seems
no one wants free money? Anyways, basically my life revolves around one single
premise: Drink as much alcohol as humanly possible and suffer no ill
consequences. Let me explain. Supplements: I own bed time teas, melatonin, theonine,
coffee cruda, arsenic, and holy basil for that inevitable date when I stop
drinking. I own liver cleanse supplements, milk thistle, and liver detox tea to
combat the effects of alcohol. I also drink massive amounts of coffee because I
read a study that indicated coffee helps to combat alcohol induced liver cirrhosis.
I purchased a breathalyzer to make sure I am not too drunk to drive to work
every morning. I also make sure I start drinking by 6pm every night; otherwise
I would get a DUI on my way to work every morning. I continually lie to my
wife, using such excuses as: I just fell asleep on the couch, I went to watch a
movie, I went to an AA meeting, I thought it was too late to call you, I forgot
to text you, I am going to the gym, I left my phone in the car, my cell battery
died, etc...etc...etc... I own clothes that are wrinkle free so that I don't
have to do laundry. I buy aunt traps to combat my filthy living situation that
I don't clean due to being hammered every night. I always make sure there is
some sort of liquid available to drink in mass quantities due to the
dehydration I wake up with every morning. I have multiple fans to deal with the
increase in temperature I feel when I am consuming alcohol. I have a therapist
to help me quit drinking. I own a supplement call Kudzu to help curve alcohol
related cravings. My refrigerator is covered with pictures bodily organs
damaged by alcohol. I own audiobooks that try to and help you quit alcohol and
I have even listened to the hypnosis portions of those audiobooks. I have numerous
"hobbies" lined up for that magical day when I quit drinking that
include: Photography, adult dodgeball, exercise, drawing, song writing, golf, Nintendo
Wii, guitar, open mic nights, ping pong, metal detecting, tennis,
etc..etc..etc...I watch my daily calorie consumption to make sure I don't gain
massive amounts of weight (even though I have). Any rational person would look
at my life and think I was a total idiot. That the stress and mental effort it
takes to continue drinking is ridiculous. But this is what my life boils down
too. That high, that escape, that release of endorphins....those nights when I
have not a care in the world.....this is the reality I would rather live in.

Global Warming

All the evidence points indisputably to the fact that overall average temperatures on earth are rising, the question then becomes: What is causing this? Are we filthy disgusting humans destroying the only planet we were given? Scientists believe that the earth has undergone 5 major ice ages. This means that large areas of earth were once completely covered by ice and glaciers. The ice then completely melted or "retreated" and the cycle repeated itself. So wait....you're telling me that the earth underwent drastic climatic changes in the past without lowly pitiful humans intervening? What melted the last ice age? Dinosaur farts? Aliens? If you ask me, the thought that mankind is causing this current uptick in warmth is pure arrogance. The liberals views human beings as somewhat of a plague on earth. They invented man made global warming as a way to feel guilty about being so successful and then subsequently making us pay for it. Now I know this stance on global warming automatically makes my intellect comparable to Forrest Gump, but let's look at where most people get their information from? How many "climate scientists" have you spoken to about climate change (the phrase invented when global warming no longer became trendy)? My wife just happens to have a BS in Atmospheric Science from Cornell University. She also spent 10 years in the military as Meteorologist. I would say this gives her the upper hand in most discussions pertaining to climate change. She believes that the earth is constantly involved in an ebb and flow, atmospheric cycles that are way above our pay grade. So keep reading your stupid articles on CNN, watching Al Gore's (biggest hypocrite ever. Research how eco-friendly his newest mansion is) convenient falsehood and I'll continue to get my information directly from an Ivy league Atmospheric Scientist.....that just happens to be really hot.

Losing weight

I think by the time I am done blogging; I will have solved most of the world’s problems. I am simply amazed by the number of diets available to the average American today. Atkins, Hollywood cookie diet (seriously), Jenny Craig, weight watchers, lemon juice fast, refined cow urine, leather belt diet, and a zillion others. Like losing weight is so magical and impossible that the ordinary human being couldn't possibly figure it out on their own. It seems that the only way the average dumbass American can lose weight, is to pay someone a shitload of money to monitor all their meals, give them shots of HCG in the ass, or have a personal trainer. The easiest way to lose weight is simply to restrict calorie intake. The problem is that most Americans don't have the will power to do this. With .99 cent double cheeseburgers on every corner, we are too weak willed to continually maintain a lifestyle of calorie reduction. Look at it this way, if you walk 1 mile, you burn 100 calories. If you eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger you shove 300 calories into your pie hole. The equivalent of a 3 mile walk. This isn't rocket science. What do you think is easier to fit into your lifestyle, not eating a big mac, or walking the 5 miles to burn it off? Now you do have a certain amount of calories needed just to live and breathe. This is called your basal metabolism. This is the 2000 calories we always hear about. If you ate your exact BMR every day, you'd maintain your current weight indefinitely. But by dropping your daily calorie 500 calories a day below your BMR, your body is then forced to rip into your stored fat to get the energy it needs to keep you alive. And I hate the stupid freaking "protection mode" idiots who say your metabolism slows down and your lose less weight when your cut calories. Bull freaking shit. So you are breathing less? Does your heart beat less? Are your cells multiplying less? No dumbass, you still need energy just to survive. So by figuring out your BMR and cutting 500 calories off that number in a year, how much weight would you lose in 1 year? 60 pounds. If you needed to lose that much. Oh, and stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol calories can't be stored in the body as fat and must be used immediately as they are ingested. This causes everything else you ate that day to be stored as fat while your body is processing all the booze. I think the obesity crisis in America is caused both people who want to lose weight and are clueless (the fat guy at the gym doing endless sit-ups to get that "six-pack") and people who are generally complacent and could give a shit how fat they are. I fall somewhere in the 10% that is informed and proactive. While I am not at my ideal weight, I hope to be in the next few months.