More reasons why Sacramento sucks

I was recently informed that Sacramento has a very serious black widow infestation? WTF? If you asked me what I thought Hell was like, I'm sure somewhere on my list of things you'd have to deal with, would a black widow infestation. I was told that if you spend any amount of time outside, you'll most likely get bitten by a black widow spider. Dear God! Now, black widow bites are rarely fatal, and being 6'4" 250lbs, I probably wouldn't die, but the pain and swelling is said to be excruciating. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss. The more I learn about Sacramento, the more I want to buy a hazmat suite and only drive between work and home. Good lord...But no one can say that Sacramento hasn't earned some respectable national rankings. Notable Sacramento rankings include: An American Lung Association report from 2011 entitled "Most Polluted Cities: State of the Air 2011" Ranked Sacramento 5th worst for ozone and 9th worst for short term particles. CNBC ranked Sacramento 8th most stressful city in America. BusinessWeek ranked Sac as the 12th unhappiest city in the America. Business insider ranked Sac as being the 4th most suicidal city in the US. Forbes ranked Sacramento as the 5th worst city to live in the US. The CQ press released a new national study that ranks Sacramento as the nation's 58th most dangerous city (that's out of every city in America). Anyways, you get my point. Ballsac sucks. Every time I ask someone what there is to do here, I get the same answers: Well Napa is like an hour away. Everyone always points to me to somewhere else that is close by. Perhaps my interpretation of Sacramento is being formed by only seeking out negative information. If anyone reading this can explain to me why Sacramento is awesome, please post your comments. To be honest, all this research revealing that Sacramento might just be the anus of America is depressing. I would love someone to reveal to me all the positive and wonderful things this city has to offer.

California Hates Dogs

I'm not sure if it's due to a long line of irresponsible dog owners or just California’s unquenchable desire to regulate the hell out of everything, but California hates dogs. I did the research and 104% of apartment rentals don't allow dogs. Dogs are not allowed in national parks, most state parks, and most city parks. On the rare occasion they are allowed, they must be leashed at all times. I have a dog, and I am responsible pet owner. The only thing you have to be concerned about when it comes to my dog is being loved to death. Why he can't run up and down the beach chasing his ball with the wind in his hair is beyond me. I read somewhere that dogs are not allowed on beaches because they scare away the birds. The web site even stated that some birds will see a dog and either have an instant heart attack, stroke, or abandon their nest forever. Let me start out by saying that my dog is terrified of the birds. He is honestly more scared of them then they will ever be of him. I also read that some beaches have banned kite flying because these birds are so stupid that if they frequently see kites, it desensitizes them against natural predators. I had to read that a few times, pinch myself, and check the link to make sure I wasn't reading the onion. It seems kites kill birds. I say we just let natural selection run its course. If there is a bird out there dies every time it sees a dog and can't distinguish between a kite and vicious bird eating hawk, then let survival of the fittest run its course. Not in California. Other than prisoners, I can't think of much else that has to be restrained constantly, can only roam free in caged areas, and literally scares birds to death. It's true, birds hate felons. I hate California’s canine oppression.

What's up with fat people?

Now I will preface this by saying that yes....I could stand to lose a few pounds. I'm talking about the people that have so much fat, that it probably outweighs all the rest of their body parts combined. The people who have managed to create a giant fat tongue that drapes over their entire lower body. I recently discovered that imaging machines like cat scans and MRI's have weight limits of like 350lbs or something. This means, that the engineers that designed these devices, people with advanced degrees that got together and racked their brains to develop these incredibly advanced machines, in their wildest imagination, they couldn't conceive of human beings ever weighing this much. So what happens if you are this large and need imaging services? The scheduler refers you to the zoo. The fucking zoo! Listen, if you’re in the waiting room for a medical exam, you look up from your magazine, and you see that a hippopotamus is ahead of you in line, it's time for some soul searching. The other day I was in McDonalds and in rolled a woman so obese, her legs could no longer support her (which reminds me of my new favorite youtube clip. The Fat Train). She zooms up to the counter, screeches her ride to a stop and orders: "Angus bacon cheeseburger meal supersized with an Oreo Mcflurry and a diet coke. DIET COKE. Listen, if you think that by washing down the total daily caloric needs of the average American in one session with a diet coke is doing yourself any favors, you're an idiot. I don't go to McDonalds to consume diet anything. I'm going there for the temporary euphoria created by eating delicious, fatty, and unhealthy "food" that has been chemically altered and flavored by substances that I can only assume will someday be banned by the FDA. I need a Big Mac. No pickles.

Did I miss an important societal gathering?

When did all the drivers in California get together and decide that they were no longer going use their turn signals? Were you at this meeting? The simplest of societal courtesies are disappearing. But it’s more than just annoying, it's illegal:

California Vehicle Code Section 22107: Turning Movements and Required Signals.
No person shall turn a vehicle from a direct course or move right or left upon a roadway until such a movement can be made with reasonable safety and then only after the giving of an appropriate signal in the manner provided in this chapter in the event any other vehicle may be affected by the movement.

Does it really take too much effort to reach your hand down 4 inches and press down or up with a slight amount of pressure? I lived in Germany for a few years and besides being able to drive 150mph, the great thing about driving there is the order and structure. The Germans drive, well...like Nazi's. People use the passing lane for it's intended use, passing people. No jackasses driving 62 in the fast line, everyone uses turn signals, and no moving road blocks caused by two oblivious morons in a subconscious struggle to stay perfectly in sync with each other. When there is an accident or traffic jam in Germany, everyone turns on their hazards lights to warn the traffic behind them. Whether this is altruistic or not wanting get rear ended, it doesn't matter, I enjoyed it. When there is a traffic jam in America we just close our eyes, clench our fists, and slam on our brakes at the last minute. Genius...The worst part about driving in this state is the unpredictability. No standards. Everyone just drives to the beat of their own drum. And your drumming sucks. Now, I consider myself to be somewhat of a nice guy. With the exception of when I am driving. I transform from an easy going person to the incredible hulk the second I get behind the wheel. I automatically start hating the world. I can't help it; it's my automotive defense mechanism. Anyway...just use your turn signal. Please

Sacramento scares the living shit out me

Or maybe it's all of California? Not sure...but I'm terrified of this place. My wife will often look out of the car window as we drive north on I5 and glance down at Discovery Park. She always says "that looks like a nice park, we should go sometime". I then take a quick glance and notice that the park is ALWAYS empty. I think to myself "In a city of like a million people, why, in the heart of the city, is a beautiful place like this always abandoned? Are people just too lazy to go outside and play? Are dogs not getting any exercise? There must be a reason for the lack of usage". Well there is a reason: If you go to Discovery Park, you will die. It seems Discovery Park is a haven for vagabonds and let's face it, vagabonds aren't known for their politeness and manners. I recently found out a women was killed in Discovery Park, and then the killer proceeded to burn her corpse. Holy shit....Not being a serial killer myself, the only logic I can deduce from this situation, is that the killer was so idiotic, they thought that the corpse might actually burn down and remove all evidence of the crime. Either way, it's fucked up. I've also heard stories of people getting bum rushed, literally, while riding their bicycle and then getting their bikes stolen. Imagine you're enjoying some of excramento's great weather, riding your bike, minding your own business and out of the bushes comes an angry meth head, he shoves you off your bike, and then rides off leaving you injured and bewildered. That actually happens here. I also heard a great story coming out of Stockton. A guy proceeds to rob a liquor store at gunpoint and the transaction goes as well as those things can go. No harm, money exchanged, have nice day…etc. Well, as this guy is walking to his criminal lair, he then gets shot and robbed by some very opportunistic criminals. So, in Stockton, robbers rob the robbers. Apparently, even if you've displayed the poor judgment of committing a felony with a sawed off shotgun, this gives you no street cred. I'm building a safe house.

I hate you and your stupid Prius

It seems like Toyota must be giving away free prii in Sacramento. Seriously, these things are multiplying like flies on a turd. In the 1990's the way to tell the world that you had been neutered and domesticated was to own a minivan. Every guy driving a minivan was a broken, shell of a human being. Like watching a lion pacing anxiously at the zoo. Well, the 21st century version of a vagina on wheels is the Toyota Prius. There is no better way to instantly forfeit your man card than to buy a Prius. Just look at the colors for god sakes. They look like moving Easter eggs. And the tech specs: Your camel toe on wheels with it's 1.4L, 4cl monster engine produces...wait for it...98 horsepower. Ha! My Harley Motorcycle produces around 90 hp. I just want to go poop on a Prius right now! I know the reason why people buy them and here's my response. By saving a few bucks on gas you're saying one of two things: Either I am too poor to afford gas or I think I am smarter and better than you because I own a Prius. Every time I look at the driver of a Prius, I see some smug, jackass who feels like he deserves a participation trophy for driving his hybrid clitoris. Oh and by the way assholes, you're making real men pay higher prices for the vehicles that actually deserve gas. The other reason people drive this mobile labia is because they believe they are saving the planet. To think that buying a Prius is in any way affecting the global climate is ludicrous. The factories that build the Prius emit more carbon and consume more energy than you will ever not emit buy owning this shitty car. And let's not forget about how toxic that battery is. An accident with a Prius is probably an environmental disaster similar to the Exxon Valdez. Anyways....if you really want to save money and the environment...Ride a bike.

Battling Addiction by Blogging

I'm an idiot. I am a freaking moron. I have everything I could ever need or want in the world. An amazing high paying job, a beautiful and incredible wife, the worlds coolest dog, you name it...I am a lucky bastard. So....why with all this, do I decide to drink myself into oblivion every chance I get? Can there really be any valid justification to damaging your body like this? I sometimes tell myself....I'm just bored, or I a read study that coffee combats the effects of cirrhosis....What a douchebag. Like drinking massive amounts of coffee could possibly reverse that much consumption of poison. I also use justifications like: It helps pass the time or that I must have some subconscious fear I am trying to subdue. It's all bullshit. My liver enzymes were off the chart and if I don't stop drinking, I risk doing serious, permanent damage to my body. Does this stop captain douchebag from drinking? Hell no...I'm 32 years old and I am guessing that if I keep this up, I'll be dead by 40. Sometimes I tell my self...maybe doing whatever the hell I want for 40 years is better than torturing myself with running (invented by Satan himself) and eating vegan smoothies and getting hit by a blimp at 37. These of course are all jackass thoughts and the bottom line is that I need to stop drinking. I think deep down, I really want too, but then for some reason I keep buying the shit. Oh...another good one I tell myself, is that I'll keep a bottle around in case I get alcohol withdrawal symptoms...That "emergency" bottle has never lasted more that a few days. So here I am, captain moron, ruining my body for no apparent reason. Oh, here's another good one, I am actually thinking about smoking cigars as a supplement to drinking. Nice thought asshole. The only thing this will accomplish is destroying brand new body parts not affected by alcohol. Genius. I am guessing by the time it effects my career and marriage, it'll be too late and I'll either need a serious medically supervised detox or my liver will be nothing more that a piece of charcoal. Anywho...I'm hoping people read my inane rantings (not always about booze) and respond in kind. If I can make one person crack a smile, or one person helps me overcome addiction, or whatever....then this would have served a purpose....peace out