Alcohol and my life

Thanks for being so proactive in responding to my blog assholes. It seems
no one wants free money? Anyways, basically my life revolves around one single
premise: Drink as much alcohol as humanly possible and suffer no ill
consequences. Let me explain. Supplements: I own bed time teas, melatonin, theonine,
coffee cruda, arsenic, and holy basil for that inevitable date when I stop
drinking. I own liver cleanse supplements, milk thistle, and liver detox tea to
combat the effects of alcohol. I also drink massive amounts of coffee because I
read a study that indicated coffee helps to combat alcohol induced liver cirrhosis.
I purchased a breathalyzer to make sure I am not too drunk to drive to work
every morning. I also make sure I start drinking by 6pm every night; otherwise
I would get a DUI on my way to work every morning. I continually lie to my
wife, using such excuses as: I just fell asleep on the couch, I went to watch a
movie, I went to an AA meeting, I thought it was too late to call you, I forgot
to text you, I am going to the gym, I left my phone in the car, my cell battery
died, etc...etc...etc... I own clothes that are wrinkle free so that I don't
have to do laundry. I buy aunt traps to combat my filthy living situation that
I don't clean due to being hammered every night. I always make sure there is
some sort of liquid available to drink in mass quantities due to the
dehydration I wake up with every morning. I have multiple fans to deal with the
increase in temperature I feel when I am consuming alcohol. I have a therapist
to help me quit drinking. I own a supplement call Kudzu to help curve alcohol
related cravings. My refrigerator is covered with pictures bodily organs
damaged by alcohol. I own audiobooks that try to and help you quit alcohol and
I have even listened to the hypnosis portions of those audiobooks. I have numerous
"hobbies" lined up for that magical day when I quit drinking that
include: Photography, adult dodgeball, exercise, drawing, song writing, golf, Nintendo
Wii, guitar, open mic nights, ping pong, metal detecting, tennis,
etc..etc..etc...I watch my daily calorie consumption to make sure I don't gain
massive amounts of weight (even though I have). Any rational person would look
at my life and think I was a total idiot. That the stress and mental effort it
takes to continue drinking is ridiculous. But this is what my life boils down
too. That high, that escape, that release of endorphins....those nights when I
have not a care in the world.....this is the reality I would rather live in.

Global Warming

All the evidence points indisputably to the fact that overall average temperatures on earth are rising, the question then becomes: What is causing this? Are we filthy disgusting humans destroying the only planet we were given? Scientists believe that the earth has undergone 5 major ice ages. This means that large areas of earth were once completely covered by ice and glaciers. The ice then completely melted or "retreated" and the cycle repeated itself. So wait....you're telling me that the earth underwent drastic climatic changes in the past without lowly pitiful humans intervening? What melted the last ice age? Dinosaur farts? Aliens? If you ask me, the thought that mankind is causing this current uptick in warmth is pure arrogance. The liberals views human beings as somewhat of a plague on earth. They invented man made global warming as a way to feel guilty about being so successful and then subsequently making us pay for it. Now I know this stance on global warming automatically makes my intellect comparable to Forrest Gump, but let's look at where most people get their information from? How many "climate scientists" have you spoken to about climate change (the phrase invented when global warming no longer became trendy)? My wife just happens to have a BS in Atmospheric Science from Cornell University. She also spent 10 years in the military as Meteorologist. I would say this gives her the upper hand in most discussions pertaining to climate change. She believes that the earth is constantly involved in an ebb and flow, atmospheric cycles that are way above our pay grade. So keep reading your stupid articles on CNN, watching Al Gore's (biggest hypocrite ever. Research how eco-friendly his newest mansion is) convenient falsehood and I'll continue to get my information directly from an Ivy league Atmospheric Scientist.....that just happens to be really hot.

Losing weight

I think by the time I am done blogging; I will have solved most of the world’s problems. I am simply amazed by the number of diets available to the average American today. Atkins, Hollywood cookie diet (seriously), Jenny Craig, weight watchers, lemon juice fast, refined cow urine, leather belt diet, and a zillion others. Like losing weight is so magical and impossible that the ordinary human being couldn't possibly figure it out on their own. It seems that the only way the average dumbass American can lose weight, is to pay someone a shitload of money to monitor all their meals, give them shots of HCG in the ass, or have a personal trainer. The easiest way to lose weight is simply to restrict calorie intake. The problem is that most Americans don't have the will power to do this. With .99 cent double cheeseburgers on every corner, we are too weak willed to continually maintain a lifestyle of calorie reduction. Look at it this way, if you walk 1 mile, you burn 100 calories. If you eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger you shove 300 calories into your pie hole. The equivalent of a 3 mile walk. This isn't rocket science. What do you think is easier to fit into your lifestyle, not eating a big mac, or walking the 5 miles to burn it off? Now you do have a certain amount of calories needed just to live and breathe. This is called your basal metabolism. This is the 2000 calories we always hear about. If you ate your exact BMR every day, you'd maintain your current weight indefinitely. But by dropping your daily calorie 500 calories a day below your BMR, your body is then forced to rip into your stored fat to get the energy it needs to keep you alive. And I hate the stupid freaking "protection mode" idiots who say your metabolism slows down and your lose less weight when your cut calories. Bull freaking shit. So you are breathing less? Does your heart beat less? Are your cells multiplying less? No dumbass, you still need energy just to survive. So by figuring out your BMR and cutting 500 calories off that number in a year, how much weight would you lose in 1 year? 60 pounds. If you needed to lose that much. Oh, and stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol calories can't be stored in the body as fat and must be used immediately as they are ingested. This causes everything else you ate that day to be stored as fat while your body is processing all the booze. I think the obesity crisis in America is caused both people who want to lose weight and are clueless (the fat guy at the gym doing endless sit-ups to get that "six-pack") and people who are generally complacent and could give a shit how fat they are. I fall somewhere in the 10% that is informed and proactive. While I am not at my ideal weight, I hope to be in the next few months.

Santa for adults

I'm going to start this post out by saying that I consider myself to be agnostic. I did the whole Jesus freak thing for many years. The lingo and culture of the Christian church in America is border line cultish. There are so many catch phrases that you have to learn to fit in, like: "It's just God's Will" or "Sometimes NO is an answer". What?!? How is it acceptable to explain such import events away with such vagaries? I prayed on my knees for hours, I begged for help in certain situations, I donated 10's of thousands of dollars to the church, I built rooms for Sunday school, I play hundreds of hours of guitar in the church band, it goes without saying I was immersed in American Christian culture. What conclusion did I come to? In my personal experience, I think most of the "God moments" I thought experienced were just my brain trying to justify my beliefs. Some of our best friends ever were active church members. There are a lot of good hearted people in the church, but there are just as many fakes. Everyone goes to church on Sunday dressed to the 9's, make up perfect, brand new j-crew outfit, smiling wide with their Bibles in hand. If you spent the morning just watching people come, go, and interact with each other in the atrium, you'd think they were all smoking weed in the parking lot. It's kind of sickening. If you spend any time reading the New Testament, you realize that these people who are trying to "do what Jesus would have done" are actually doing the complete opposite. It's interesting to me that the right wing is pro war; when Jesus's motto was turn the other cheek. The right wing also pro-death penalty, when Jesus interrupted a stoning and asked those without sin to cast the first stone. Jesus gave people free healthcare and fed hundred with fish and bread. Jesus turned water into wine and some Christians look at alcohol like its piss from the devil himself. When you read the New Testament, it seems that Jesus was more like a hippy with superpowers than that of a modern day protestant. But what I originally meant to do is make a comparison. 86% of four year old Americans believe in Santa Claus and 90% of adult Americans believe in a God. Both God and Santa Claus are old white guys, having beautiful flowing beards, reward you for good behavior, and have droves up subjugates that carry out their dirty work. Will death be a moment much like when found out there was no Santa Claus? I'm not saying that doesn't mean there isn't an afterlife, but maybe God set everything up and then moved on. The more I see in this world, the more it looks like God created everything, set it in motion, and then said "Good luck with that!!". Perhaps he did the same thing with the afterlife? Maybe he left the afterlife to trusted stewards and went to do more important things. Are we arrogant to think that we could possibly the sole focus of an everlasting deity’s love and affection? Only time will tell.

AA is a joke. And not a funny one.

In my futile attempts to quit drinking (of which I may be doing better), I of course turned to the lofty and much praised institution known as Alcoholics Anonymous. Now let me just say that I had some preconceived notions of what to expect. I expected a room full of sad men, stereotypical skid row alcoholics, a somber crowd that had lost everything to alcohol, a place so depressing it would literally drive me to drink more. My preconceived notions were 100% accurate. The first meeting I went to, I noticed that everyone goes through the motions like lifeless zombies. Saying prayers and all sorts of other ritualistic crap. Then you get to listen to some guy who of course lost everything to booze. He goes on and on about how his life crashed in around him, until at his low point he was doing butt stuff with hobos for swigs of malt liquor. I looked around and as this guy was rambling on (he had the stage and he knew it) most of the old timers were stone cold asleep. This was definitely not a meeting of motivated individuals. Anyways, after it was known that this was my first meeting, I was swarmed guys offering to help me. I was given phone number after phone number, and many took my phone number as well. Many men promised to call me the next day and make sure I was "OK". Well, as you could have guessed, I haven't heard from one of them since .The second AA meeting I went to was where they filmed the movie "Boyz in the Hood". The outside of the building (which is located next to a liquor store) looks like a cross between a meth den and a decrepit VFA. If I hadn't promised my wife I'd go, I would have fled for my life. I went in and before me was the oddest looking group of misfits I've ever seen. One man was clearly high from sniffing glue and another shook so bad he couldn't drink his coffee. While I didn't connect and couldn't relate to anyone there, I at least got a glimpse of what alcohol has in store for all those who are held tight in its grasp. I am incredibly lucky to realize my problem now and strive to take action before I have lost everything. As for AA, it's not for me. The religion aspect doesn't bother me; it's the genuine lack of enthusiasm I noticed during encounters. Honestly, if alcohol had no detrimental effects, I'm convinced everyone in those meetings immediately start chugging their lives away.

Dickhead Neighbors

I am sure you are assuming that in order to do something that irritates your neighbor; you must have done something assholish. Incorrect. Some people are just serious pricks. You might be one loud TV show away from inciting a furry of unbelievable lunacy and not even know it. Let me explain my situation. So I have a dog. And no, his barking wasn't an issue. I lived in Alaska at the time and as you can imagine, it gets freaking cold there. So I would let my dog out to take a dump and then scurry back indoors (no fence) before my teets froze off. Well, unbeknownst to me, there was a demon stirring deep inside the belly of my neighbor (not even my duplex neighbor, the guy was one house down) that would soon bloom and display all its beautiful crazy. You see, I would wait A FEW DAYS to pick up the poop. Being winter in Alaska and all. Well, this would lead to 4 or so turds accumulating before I bundled up enough to venture outdoors. Trust me, I wasn't the guy whose grass had dissapeared under a layer of fecel matter. I've seen that guy. I wasn't him. Well, this pause in poop collection irritated my neighbor to no end. So did he come and ask me respectfully to be more proactive in my turd collection? Nope. He CC'd me on an actual letter (I had never seen that done in my life) to the home owners association reporting me and actually citing the bi-law about picking up dog crap. Never once asked me to do anything about it. Big mistake. Amongst being awesome, I have a pranking super power. Let me hit a couple highlights for you. I poured 4 bottles of moose lure all over his back yard and when he didn't pick up the moose poop, I reported him to the HOA (with pictures). I purchased a nifty product called "liquid ass". This is literally the foulest smelling substance on earth. I filled up a squirt gun and sprayed 2 bottles into his garages air vent. He actually called the plumber to come investigate. I could go on...and if you want to hear more I will post it...but for now, just don't piss me off.

Occupy a job please

Why is the media glorifying the occupy Wall Street movement? They are all over the freaking place getting their protest on for months now, and I still have no freaking idea what they are protesting? Corporate greed? What?!? What does that even mean? I'm pretty sure they don't even know why they are protesting. These spoiled little idiots have no idea how lucky they are to live in America. I've traveled to Africa and seen poverty that would literally make you sick to your stomach. I've seen streets covered in trash and people living in cemeteries. I've seen people living with no running water or electricity. That's worth protesting about. These ignoramuses think that when someone with decades of corporate experience and a master’s degree in finance gets a large bonus, that its pure evil? Did I miss something when I was learning capitalism 101? Listen, just because you decided to go to UCLA and be a 5 year English major, doesn't mean corporate America is responsible for paying off your student loans. Just STFU and go defecate in a toilet for a change. All that time spent protesting should be spent looking for a job. If these invalids took one minute to even think about their slogan "we are the 99%", they'd realize its complete non-sense. 51% of Americans pay absolutely no income tax. The top 1% they are targeting, pays 30% of all federal income taxes. I think it's the rich people that should be protesting. Oh and the whole warren buffet pays less in taxes than his personal assistant? BS. The problem is that people don't understand capital gain taxes. Warren's buffet secretary gets taxed on her earned income wages (W2). Warren buffet gets taxed on the returns he gets from his many investments. That is a mjor difference. Should the capitol gains tax rate be increased? Maybe? I don't have enough information about it to make a stupid sign and go scream about something I don't understand. You really want a fair system? Flat tax. Everyone gets taxed 15% on every source of income. Now that's fair. Instead we just demonize the wealthy. I can't believe the America I live in now vilifies hard work and success. I'm shedding a red, white, and blue tear

Why you should be scared of flying

If you aren't afraid of flying, you're a moron. Let me tell you a story (one you might already know). Alaska airlines flight 261. This was another one of your so called "safer than riding in a car flights" from Mexico to San Francisco. You can read the entire story on Wikipedia, but basically it reads like the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to anyone, ever. I get sick to my stomach just reading what those poor souls went through. 88 people lost their lives that day. Do you know what caused this horrific tragedy? One bolt. Yep. One fucking bolt. Basically when the bolt broke, the pilot lost the ability to maintain altitude and the plane took a terminal nose dive. Think about that next time you're taking one of your cabin altering dumps in the airplane bathroom (FYI: When you slither out and scurry back to your seat with that much shame on your face, we know it was you). There is absolutely ZERO margin for error. You are one screw, strap, bolt, or rivet away from the most terrifying experience you could ever imagine. I for one don't mind babies crying on airplanes. At least they are displaying the appropriate emotional response to being 30,000 feet in the air traveling at 500 mph all while having your life in the hands of people you know absolutely nothing about. The list of reasons why an airplane can crash is so long you could write a book about it. This is why flying would be one of the only instances in which I would consider breaking the law. If I was solicited in the parking lot by a shady homeless guy offering to sell me an experimental bear tranquilizer that I have to shoot directly into my heart, I'd buy it immediately. The second those engine started to roar would be heart stabbing time. So next time you fly, suck down as many mini vodkas as you can and try not to think about all those loose bolts.....

The Iraq war

I'll start out by saying that unlike most retards out there, I have a unique position from which to comment on this engagement. My wife is active duty military and was lucky enough to get an all-expense paid trip to Bagdad in spring 2007. I also worked at the hospital in Germany where the injured troops would fly directly from the battlefield to be stabilized and then sent to Walter Reed. Every day I would see 18+ year old young men missing legs, arms, etc...So laying that ground work, let me sum up my thoughts on the Iraq war: WTF? Seriously. So we shocked and awed that shithole country because they had weapons of mass destruction (along with Syria, Iran, North Korea, and many others). OK. Whatever. We were all riding our 9/11 adrenaline highs and the mob mentality was working its way through the American public. Eventually we learned there were no weapons of mass destruction. Intelligence error or blatant deception, who gives shit? Saddam was a dickhead and now he's gone. Next argument: Oil. This is the dumbest argument out there. The oil reserves in ANWR (northern Alaska) have 2 decades worth of oil without having to destroy a country and then rely on people that have always, and will always, hate our guts. Also, I paid $4.14 cents per gallon for gas today so if the war was for oil, it was a serious fail. Now we move on to the "establishing democracy" argument. Once Washington realized that were up a creek with no paddle, they came up with this genius excuse. So this country, located near one of the oldest known human civilizations on the planet (Sumerians) has been a living shithole for thousands of years and we are going to fly in and shape it into the 51st state? Right. The people in Iraq are now daily subjected to suicide bombings, IED's, small arms fire, and Iraqi Militias. We really nailed that one. I'm buying my plain tickets to Baghdad tomorrow! Not. Another argument I heard (one that actual makes a little sense) is that we were there to establish a permanent military presence in one of the most tumultuous areas on earth. While obviously not a good reason to level a country, having large bases sitting between Iraq and Israel makes a certain amount of strategical sense. Well, did we manage to even pull that off? Nope. The Obama administration couldn't manage to negotiate a permanent US presence in Iraq. Iraq was like....yeeeeaaahh...thanks...really...but get the fuck out. So I am seriously trying to understand what the hell the point of all this was? Can someone please post something that doesn't make my brain hurt?