OK.....I'm officially fed up with America. If you don't agree with Obama's politics you are racist? Screw you!! The people that voted for Obama just because he is black are the true racists!! They made their decision based purely on race. How is that not racism? I disagree with Obama because he didn't end the war in Afghanistan, the economy is still in shambles, he did nothing to decrease the national debt, he grew government exponentially, welfare benefits increased, 50% of Americans don't pay any taxes, an American ambassador was assassinated, he's played more golf than any other president in history, he wants military family benefits cut drastically, he turns a blind eye to Israel (America's ally for decades), he's done nothing to improve America's energy independence.....I like Obama because Osama Bin Laden is dead and there were no terrorist attacks on American soil......Anyways....when did we decide that just because you disagree with someones ideals you are a racist? Pure BS. I am sick of this urge to label every white person as a racist. We are not racists! Instead of asking people if they support Obama as a litmus test for racism, ask them these questions: Do you think blacks should sit in the back of the bus, drink in separate water fountains, have separate bathrooms, be able to vote, attend the same schools as whites?.....if you answered yes to any of those questions that's f'n racism...idiots! African Americans have all the same rights and privileges in America (maybe even more) as every other race. If there is any racism left in this country, it either is either reverse racism (if there is such a thing) or in the back woods of West Virginia. Racism in popular culture is dead. Deal with it!! There are people with opinions and people that disagree with those opinions. Plain and simple. Nothing to do with genetics. Can we please move on?

Lurkers

I hate lurkers. You know the people I’m talking about. Usually sad old lonelies that treasure every ounce of communication they can get with the pharmacy clerk. Lurkers are people that spend way too much time performing a task that should be completed in a matter of seconds. Lurkers spend too much time in the passing lane, too much time at the checkout counter, and too much time making any decision in general. A typical lurker sets up camp immediately upon arriving at the front of the line. This ceremony can involve reading glasses, check books, open purses, coupons, talking with friends to help with the life and death decisions at Mcdonald’s, distracting children, and sometimes and overall misunderstanding of the English language. Lurkers are easy to spot. Next time you are in a line, glance around and study the other sheeples. The lurkers are the people that are making no attempt whatsoever at making a decision. Lurkers will be testing, talking on the phone, or just standing there with an empty look on their faces. When their turn comes up, it’s like you surprise them by asking them what they’d like to order. They always look taken aback…like they had no idea why they were even in the line in the first place. I hate people.

Quote

Do not look at the solitary acts of mankind and those of independent dictators and loose faith in our species. Look at the engineering marvels, the cooperative philanthropy, and all the human collaborative intellectual efforts in order to restore faith in mankind.

Stockton. Hell on Earth.

Here is a visual representation of the crime in Stockton over a 5 day period. Good times! For a more detailed report, check this out.

If you have no other option but to drive I5 through Stockton, here is what you need before you go: 1. A complete vehicle inspection. Have your vehicle checked over by a mechanic with autism and OCD. If he as much recommends changing your wiper blades, do it. 2. Life insurance. Should the unthinkable happen and you find yourself broken down in Stockton, you will most likely die. Leave something behind for those you love. 3. Hat's and T-shirts with every gang color imaginable. If by some very poorly made plans, you need gas in Stockton, when you first pull off the highway, assess your situation. What is the most prominent color? Who seems to be the alpha males? Are there any corpses nearby? If so, what color are they wearing? Dress appropriately and proceed to pump gas. Use a credit card, never expose any actual currency while inside the borders of Stockton. 4. Backup. Never drive through Stockton alone. Always make sure you have a spotter. If you can afford it, hire a private security firm. Take 3 SUV's with you and rotate their locations in line every 5 minutes 5. Firearms. This might go without saying, but if you are in Stockton for any reason, you WILL be forced to defend yourself. I recommend a sawed off 12 gauge shotgun loaded with at least quad-druple aught magnum buckshot. 6. A bible. When you are inevitably gunned down in Stockton, the police most likely won't respond. People getting shot in Stockton is like jaywalking in most cities. Always have some religious material on you at all times. You will soon be meeting your maker. 7. Military grade flak vest. Pull off at any rest area about 20 minutes either side of Stockton to put on your gear. I recommend a Kevlar helmet as well. If traveling at night, night vision is preferable.

The next cool

I'm sick of the word cool. It's time I invented the next cool. We all know that once our parents start using words in their proper context, it's time to move on. The first time I hear my parents use the word cool, I cringed and the word was forever marred. Throughout history, the young have used words that were outside the comprehension of the elderly to describe things they like. Words like Groovy, Hip, Fresh, Rad, Happenin, Solid, Etc...These words have all run their course and been laid to rest in the graveyard of words our parents have made completely irrelevant. Cool has been playing out way past its shelf life. Cool seems unwilling to die. Parents all over the nation are molesting this word, beating it mercilessly in the groin, stabbing it repeatedly in the face....and yet....it continues to limp along. I give cool some respect for hanging in there, but someone must be willing to deal cool the final death blow. I am willing to accept that challenging. I will step up to cool, place my sawed off 12 gauge up to its temple, and blast it's outdated brains all over the metaphorical wall. Let me also say that cool makes zero sense in the context it's used. In fact, that's that basis for the genius word I have come up with. Think about a word that literally makes no sense in describing a favorable situation. This guarantees that parents and the elderly will be so confused, unwilling, and unsure of how to use this word that it will last for at least a decade. Once old people hear this new word enough times, once they finally feel comfortable enough to throw it out there, dip their toes in the water, and awkwardly use this descriptor in its proper context, it's time to move on. Sooo....on to the genius that will flow from what will undoubtedly be validated as one of the world’s greatest minds....what will young people use to describe favorable scenarios for the next decade? The next cool will be: loud.....think about it....

Alcohol and my life

Thanks for being so proactive in responding to my blog assholes. It seems
no one wants free money? Anyways, basically my life revolves around one single
premise: Drink as much alcohol as humanly possible and suffer no ill
consequences. Let me explain. Supplements: I own bed time teas, melatonin, theonine,
coffee cruda, arsenic, and holy basil for that inevitable date when I stop
drinking. I own liver cleanse supplements, milk thistle, and liver detox tea to
combat the effects of alcohol. I also drink massive amounts of coffee because I
read a study that indicated coffee helps to combat alcohol induced liver cirrhosis.
I purchased a breathalyzer to make sure I am not too drunk to drive to work
every morning. I also make sure I start drinking by 6pm every night; otherwise
I would get a DUI on my way to work every morning. I continually lie to my
wife, using such excuses as: I just fell asleep on the couch, I went to watch a
movie, I went to an AA meeting, I thought it was too late to call you, I forgot
to text you, I am going to the gym, I left my phone in the car, my cell battery
died, etc...etc...etc... I own clothes that are wrinkle free so that I don't
have to do laundry. I buy aunt traps to combat my filthy living situation that
I don't clean due to being hammered every night. I always make sure there is
some sort of liquid available to drink in mass quantities due to the
dehydration I wake up with every morning. I have multiple fans to deal with the
increase in temperature I feel when I am consuming alcohol. I have a therapist
to help me quit drinking. I own a supplement call Kudzu to help curve alcohol
related cravings. My refrigerator is covered with pictures bodily organs
damaged by alcohol. I own audiobooks that try to and help you quit alcohol and
I have even listened to the hypnosis portions of those audiobooks. I have numerous
"hobbies" lined up for that magical day when I quit drinking that
include: Photography, adult dodgeball, exercise, drawing, song writing, golf, Nintendo
Wii, guitar, open mic nights, ping pong, metal detecting, tennis,
etc..etc..etc...I watch my daily calorie consumption to make sure I don't gain
massive amounts of weight (even though I have). Any rational person would look
at my life and think I was a total idiot. That the stress and mental effort it
takes to continue drinking is ridiculous. But this is what my life boils down
too. That high, that escape, that release of endorphins....those nights when I
have not a care in the world.....this is the reality I would rather live in.

Global Warming

All the evidence points indisputably to the fact that overall average temperatures on earth are rising, the question then becomes: What is causing this? Are we filthy disgusting humans destroying the only planet we were given? Scientists believe that the earth has undergone 5 major ice ages. This means that large areas of earth were once completely covered by ice and glaciers. The ice then completely melted or "retreated" and the cycle repeated itself. So wait....you're telling me that the earth underwent drastic climatic changes in the past without lowly pitiful humans intervening? What melted the last ice age? Dinosaur farts? Aliens? If you ask me, the thought that mankind is causing this current uptick in warmth is pure arrogance. The liberals views human beings as somewhat of a plague on earth. They invented man made global warming as a way to feel guilty about being so successful and then subsequently making us pay for it. Now I know this stance on global warming automatically makes my intellect comparable to Forrest Gump, but let's look at where most people get their information from? How many "climate scientists" have you spoken to about climate change (the phrase invented when global warming no longer became trendy)? My wife just happens to have a BS in Atmospheric Science from Cornell University. She also spent 10 years in the military as Meteorologist. I would say this gives her the upper hand in most discussions pertaining to climate change. She believes that the earth is constantly involved in an ebb and flow, atmospheric cycles that are way above our pay grade. So keep reading your stupid articles on CNN, watching Al Gore's (biggest hypocrite ever. Research how eco-friendly his newest mansion is) convenient falsehood and I'll continue to get my information directly from an Ivy league Atmospheric Scientist.....that just happens to be really hot.

Losing weight

I think by the time I am done blogging; I will have solved most of the world’s problems. I am simply amazed by the number of diets available to the average American today. Atkins, Hollywood cookie diet (seriously), Jenny Craig, weight watchers, lemon juice fast, refined cow urine, leather belt diet, and a zillion others. Like losing weight is so magical and impossible that the ordinary human being couldn't possibly figure it out on their own. It seems that the only way the average dumbass American can lose weight, is to pay someone a shitload of money to monitor all their meals, give them shots of HCG in the ass, or have a personal trainer. The easiest way to lose weight is simply to restrict calorie intake. The problem is that most Americans don't have the will power to do this. With .99 cent double cheeseburgers on every corner, we are too weak willed to continually maintain a lifestyle of calorie reduction. Look at it this way, if you walk 1 mile, you burn 100 calories. If you eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger you shove 300 calories into your pie hole. The equivalent of a 3 mile walk. This isn't rocket science. What do you think is easier to fit into your lifestyle, not eating a big mac, or walking the 5 miles to burn it off? Now you do have a certain amount of calories needed just to live and breathe. This is called your basal metabolism. This is the 2000 calories we always hear about. If you ate your exact BMR every day, you'd maintain your current weight indefinitely. But by dropping your daily calorie 500 calories a day below your BMR, your body is then forced to rip into your stored fat to get the energy it needs to keep you alive. And I hate the stupid freaking "protection mode" idiots who say your metabolism slows down and your lose less weight when your cut calories. Bull freaking shit. So you are breathing less? Does your heart beat less? Are your cells multiplying less? No dumbass, you still need energy just to survive. So by figuring out your BMR and cutting 500 calories off that number in a year, how much weight would you lose in 1 year? 60 pounds. If you needed to lose that much. Oh, and stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol calories can't be stored in the body as fat and must be used immediately as they are ingested. This causes everything else you ate that day to be stored as fat while your body is processing all the booze. I think the obesity crisis in America is caused both people who want to lose weight and are clueless (the fat guy at the gym doing endless sit-ups to get that "six-pack") and people who are generally complacent and could give a shit how fat they are. I fall somewhere in the 10% that is informed and proactive. While I am not at my ideal weight, I hope to be in the next few months.

Santa for adults

I'm going to start this post out by saying that I consider myself to be agnostic. I did the whole Jesus freak thing for many years. The lingo and culture of the Christian church in America is border line cultish. There are so many catch phrases that you have to learn to fit in, like: "It's just God's Will" or "Sometimes NO is an answer". What?!? How is it acceptable to explain such import events away with such vagaries? I prayed on my knees for hours, I begged for help in certain situations, I donated 10's of thousands of dollars to the church, I built rooms for Sunday school, I play hundreds of hours of guitar in the church band, it goes without saying I was immersed in American Christian culture. What conclusion did I come to? In my personal experience, I think most of the "God moments" I thought experienced were just my brain trying to justify my beliefs. Some of our best friends ever were active church members. There are a lot of good hearted people in the church, but there are just as many fakes. Everyone goes to church on Sunday dressed to the 9's, make up perfect, brand new j-crew outfit, smiling wide with their Bibles in hand. If you spent the morning just watching people come, go, and interact with each other in the atrium, you'd think they were all smoking weed in the parking lot. It's kind of sickening. If you spend any time reading the New Testament, you realize that these people who are trying to "do what Jesus would have done" are actually doing the complete opposite. It's interesting to me that the right wing is pro war; when Jesus's motto was turn the other cheek. The right wing also pro-death penalty, when Jesus interrupted a stoning and asked those without sin to cast the first stone. Jesus gave people free healthcare and fed hundred with fish and bread. Jesus turned water into wine and some Christians look at alcohol like its piss from the devil himself. When you read the New Testament, it seems that Jesus was more like a hippy with superpowers than that of a modern day protestant. But what I originally meant to do is make a comparison. 86% of four year old Americans believe in Santa Claus and 90% of adult Americans believe in a God. Both God and Santa Claus are old white guys, having beautiful flowing beards, reward you for good behavior, and have droves up subjugates that carry out their dirty work. Will death be a moment much like when found out there was no Santa Claus? I'm not saying that doesn't mean there isn't an afterlife, but maybe God set everything up and then moved on. The more I see in this world, the more it looks like God created everything, set it in motion, and then said "Good luck with that!!". Perhaps he did the same thing with the afterlife? Maybe he left the afterlife to trusted stewards and went to do more important things. Are we arrogant to think that we could possibly the sole focus of an everlasting deity’s love and affection? Only time will tell.

AA is a joke. And not a funny one.

In my futile attempts to quit drinking (of which I may be doing better), I of course turned to the lofty and much praised institution known as Alcoholics Anonymous. Now let me just say that I had some preconceived notions of what to expect. I expected a room full of sad men, stereotypical skid row alcoholics, a somber crowd that had lost everything to alcohol, a place so depressing it would literally drive me to drink more. My preconceived notions were 100% accurate. The first meeting I went to, I noticed that everyone goes through the motions like lifeless zombies. Saying prayers and all sorts of other ritualistic crap. Then you get to listen to some guy who of course lost everything to booze. He goes on and on about how his life crashed in around him, until at his low point he was doing butt stuff with hobos for swigs of malt liquor. I looked around and as this guy was rambling on (he had the stage and he knew it) most of the old timers were stone cold asleep. This was definitely not a meeting of motivated individuals. Anyways, after it was known that this was my first meeting, I was swarmed guys offering to help me. I was given phone number after phone number, and many took my phone number as well. Many men promised to call me the next day and make sure I was "OK". Well, as you could have guessed, I haven't heard from one of them since .The second AA meeting I went to was where they filmed the movie "Boyz in the Hood". The outside of the building (which is located next to a liquor store) looks like a cross between a meth den and a decrepit VFA. If I hadn't promised my wife I'd go, I would have fled for my life. I went in and before me was the oddest looking group of misfits I've ever seen. One man was clearly high from sniffing glue and another shook so bad he couldn't drink his coffee. While I didn't connect and couldn't relate to anyone there, I at least got a glimpse of what alcohol has in store for all those who are held tight in its grasp. I am incredibly lucky to realize my problem now and strive to take action before I have lost everything. As for AA, it's not for me. The religion aspect doesn't bother me; it's the genuine lack of enthusiasm I noticed during encounters. Honestly, if alcohol had no detrimental effects, I'm convinced everyone in those meetings immediately start chugging their lives away.

Dickhead Neighbors

I am sure you are assuming that in order to do something that irritates your neighbor; you must have done something assholish. Incorrect. Some people are just serious pricks. You might be one loud TV show away from inciting a furry of unbelievable lunacy and not even know it. Let me explain my situation. So I have a dog. And no, his barking wasn't an issue. I lived in Alaska at the time and as you can imagine, it gets freaking cold there. So I would let my dog out to take a dump and then scurry back indoors (no fence) before my teets froze off. Well, unbeknownst to me, there was a demon stirring deep inside the belly of my neighbor (not even my duplex neighbor, the guy was one house down) that would soon bloom and display all its beautiful crazy. You see, I would wait A FEW DAYS to pick up the poop. Being winter in Alaska and all. Well, this would lead to 4 or so turds accumulating before I bundled up enough to venture outdoors. Trust me, I wasn't the guy whose grass had dissapeared under a layer of fecel matter. I've seen that guy. I wasn't him. Well, this pause in poop collection irritated my neighbor to no end. So did he come and ask me respectfully to be more proactive in my turd collection? Nope. He CC'd me on an actual letter (I had never seen that done in my life) to the home owners association reporting me and actually citing the bi-law about picking up dog crap. Never once asked me to do anything about it. Big mistake. Amongst being awesome, I have a pranking super power. Let me hit a couple highlights for you. I poured 4 bottles of moose lure all over his back yard and when he didn't pick up the moose poop, I reported him to the HOA (with pictures). I purchased a nifty product called "liquid ass". This is literally the foulest smelling substance on earth. I filled up a squirt gun and sprayed 2 bottles into his garages air vent. He actually called the plumber to come investigate. I could go on...and if you want to hear more I will post it...but for now, just don't piss me off.

Occupy a job please

Why is the media glorifying the occupy Wall Street movement? They are all over the freaking place getting their protest on for months now, and I still have no freaking idea what they are protesting? Corporate greed? What?!? What does that even mean? I'm pretty sure they don't even know why they are protesting. These spoiled little idiots have no idea how lucky they are to live in America. I've traveled to Africa and seen poverty that would literally make you sick to your stomach. I've seen streets covered in trash and people living in cemeteries. I've seen people living with no running water or electricity. That's worth protesting about. These ignoramuses think that when someone with decades of corporate experience and a master’s degree in finance gets a large bonus, that its pure evil? Did I miss something when I was learning capitalism 101? Listen, just because you decided to go to UCLA and be a 5 year English major, doesn't mean corporate America is responsible for paying off your student loans. Just STFU and go defecate in a toilet for a change. All that time spent protesting should be spent looking for a job. If these invalids took one minute to even think about their slogan "we are the 99%", they'd realize its complete non-sense. 51% of Americans pay absolutely no income tax. The top 1% they are targeting, pays 30% of all federal income taxes. I think it's the rich people that should be protesting. Oh and the whole warren buffet pays less in taxes than his personal assistant? BS. The problem is that people don't understand capital gain taxes. Warren's buffet secretary gets taxed on her earned income wages (W2). Warren buffet gets taxed on the returns he gets from his many investments. That is a mjor difference. Should the capitol gains tax rate be increased? Maybe? I don't have enough information about it to make a stupid sign and go scream about something I don't understand. You really want a fair system? Flat tax. Everyone gets taxed 15% on every source of income. Now that's fair. Instead we just demonize the wealthy. I can't believe the America I live in now vilifies hard work and success. I'm shedding a red, white, and blue tear

Why you should be scared of flying

If you aren't afraid of flying, you're a moron. Let me tell you a story (one you might already know). Alaska airlines flight 261. This was another one of your so called "safer than riding in a car flights" from Mexico to San Francisco. You can read the entire story on Wikipedia, but basically it reads like the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to anyone, ever. I get sick to my stomach just reading what those poor souls went through. 88 people lost their lives that day. Do you know what caused this horrific tragedy? One bolt. Yep. One fucking bolt. Basically when the bolt broke, the pilot lost the ability to maintain altitude and the plane took a terminal nose dive. Think about that next time you're taking one of your cabin altering dumps in the airplane bathroom (FYI: When you slither out and scurry back to your seat with that much shame on your face, we know it was you). There is absolutely ZERO margin for error. You are one screw, strap, bolt, or rivet away from the most terrifying experience you could ever imagine. I for one don't mind babies crying on airplanes. At least they are displaying the appropriate emotional response to being 30,000 feet in the air traveling at 500 mph all while having your life in the hands of people you know absolutely nothing about. The list of reasons why an airplane can crash is so long you could write a book about it. This is why flying would be one of the only instances in which I would consider breaking the law. If I was solicited in the parking lot by a shady homeless guy offering to sell me an experimental bear tranquilizer that I have to shoot directly into my heart, I'd buy it immediately. The second those engine started to roar would be heart stabbing time. So next time you fly, suck down as many mini vodkas as you can and try not to think about all those loose bolts.....

The Iraq war

I'll start out by saying that unlike most retards out there, I have a unique position from which to comment on this engagement. My wife is active duty military and was lucky enough to get an all-expense paid trip to Bagdad in spring 2007. I also worked at the hospital in Germany where the injured troops would fly directly from the battlefield to be stabilized and then sent to Walter Reed. Every day I would see 18+ year old young men missing legs, arms, etc...So laying that ground work, let me sum up my thoughts on the Iraq war: WTF? Seriously. So we shocked and awed that shithole country because they had weapons of mass destruction (along with Syria, Iran, North Korea, and many others). OK. Whatever. We were all riding our 9/11 adrenaline highs and the mob mentality was working its way through the American public. Eventually we learned there were no weapons of mass destruction. Intelligence error or blatant deception, who gives shit? Saddam was a dickhead and now he's gone. Next argument: Oil. This is the dumbest argument out there. The oil reserves in ANWR (northern Alaska) have 2 decades worth of oil without having to destroy a country and then rely on people that have always, and will always, hate our guts. Also, I paid $4.14 cents per gallon for gas today so if the war was for oil, it was a serious fail. Now we move on to the "establishing democracy" argument. Once Washington realized that were up a creek with no paddle, they came up with this genius excuse. So this country, located near one of the oldest known human civilizations on the planet (Sumerians) has been a living shithole for thousands of years and we are going to fly in and shape it into the 51st state? Right. The people in Iraq are now daily subjected to suicide bombings, IED's, small arms fire, and Iraqi Militias. We really nailed that one. I'm buying my plain tickets to Baghdad tomorrow! Not. Another argument I heard (one that actual makes a little sense) is that we were there to establish a permanent military presence in one of the most tumultuous areas on earth. While obviously not a good reason to level a country, having large bases sitting between Iraq and Israel makes a certain amount of strategical sense. Well, did we manage to even pull that off? Nope. The Obama administration couldn't manage to negotiate a permanent US presence in Iraq. Iraq was like....yeeeeaaahh...thanks...really...but get the fuck out. So I am seriously trying to understand what the hell the point of all this was? Can someone please post something that doesn't make my brain hurt?

More reasons why Sacramento sucks

I was recently informed that Sacramento has a very serious black widow infestation? WTF? If you asked me what I thought Hell was like, I'm sure somewhere on my list of things you'd have to deal with, would a black widow infestation. I was told that if you spend any amount of time outside, you'll most likely get bitten by a black widow spider. Dear God! Now, black widow bites are rarely fatal, and being 6'4" 250lbs, I probably wouldn't die, but the pain and swelling is said to be excruciating. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss. The more I learn about Sacramento, the more I want to buy a hazmat suite and only drive between work and home. Good lord...But no one can say that Sacramento hasn't earned some respectable national rankings. Notable Sacramento rankings include: An American Lung Association report from 2011 entitled "Most Polluted Cities: State of the Air 2011" Ranked Sacramento 5th worst for ozone and 9th worst for short term particles. CNBC ranked Sacramento 8th most stressful city in America. BusinessWeek ranked Sac as the 12th unhappiest city in the America. Business insider ranked Sac as being the 4th most suicidal city in the US. Forbes ranked Sacramento as the 5th worst city to live in the US. The CQ press released a new national study that ranks Sacramento as the nation's 58th most dangerous city (that's out of every city in America). Anyways, you get my point. Ballsac sucks. Every time I ask someone what there is to do here, I get the same answers: Well Napa is like an hour away. Everyone always points to me to somewhere else that is close by. Perhaps my interpretation of Sacramento is being formed by only seeking out negative information. If anyone reading this can explain to me why Sacramento is awesome, please post your comments. To be honest, all this research revealing that Sacramento might just be the anus of America is depressing. I would love someone to reveal to me all the positive and wonderful things this city has to offer.

California Hates Dogs

I'm not sure if it's due to a long line of irresponsible dog owners or just California’s unquenchable desire to regulate the hell out of everything, but California hates dogs. I did the research and 104% of apartment rentals don't allow dogs. Dogs are not allowed in national parks, most state parks, and most city parks. On the rare occasion they are allowed, they must be leashed at all times. I have a dog, and I am responsible pet owner. The only thing you have to be concerned about when it comes to my dog is being loved to death. Why he can't run up and down the beach chasing his ball with the wind in his hair is beyond me. I read somewhere that dogs are not allowed on beaches because they scare away the birds. The web site even stated that some birds will see a dog and either have an instant heart attack, stroke, or abandon their nest forever. Let me start out by saying that my dog is terrified of the birds. He is honestly more scared of them then they will ever be of him. I also read that some beaches have banned kite flying because these birds are so stupid that if they frequently see kites, it desensitizes them against natural predators. I had to read that a few times, pinch myself, and check the link to make sure I wasn't reading the onion. It seems kites kill birds. I say we just let natural selection run its course. If there is a bird out there dies every time it sees a dog and can't distinguish between a kite and vicious bird eating hawk, then let survival of the fittest run its course. Not in California. Other than prisoners, I can't think of much else that has to be restrained constantly, can only roam free in caged areas, and literally scares birds to death. It's true, birds hate felons. I hate California’s canine oppression.

What's up with fat people?

Now I will preface this by saying that yes....I could stand to lose a few pounds. I'm talking about the people that have so much fat, that it probably outweighs all the rest of their body parts combined. The people who have managed to create a giant fat tongue that drapes over their entire lower body. I recently discovered that imaging machines like cat scans and MRI's have weight limits of like 350lbs or something. This means, that the engineers that designed these devices, people with advanced degrees that got together and racked their brains to develop these incredibly advanced machines, in their wildest imagination, they couldn't conceive of human beings ever weighing this much. So what happens if you are this large and need imaging services? The scheduler refers you to the zoo. The fucking zoo! Listen, if you’re in the waiting room for a medical exam, you look up from your magazine, and you see that a hippopotamus is ahead of you in line, it's time for some soul searching. The other day I was in McDonalds and in rolled a woman so obese, her legs could no longer support her (which reminds me of my new favorite youtube clip. The Fat Train). She zooms up to the counter, screeches her ride to a stop and orders: "Angus bacon cheeseburger meal supersized with an Oreo Mcflurry and a diet coke. DIET COKE. Listen, if you think that by washing down the total daily caloric needs of the average American in one session with a diet coke is doing yourself any favors, you're an idiot. I don't go to McDonalds to consume diet anything. I'm going there for the temporary euphoria created by eating delicious, fatty, and unhealthy "food" that has been chemically altered and flavored by substances that I can only assume will someday be banned by the FDA. I need a Big Mac. No pickles.

Did I miss an important societal gathering?

When did all the drivers in California get together and decide that they were no longer going use their turn signals? Were you at this meeting? The simplest of societal courtesies are disappearing. But it’s more than just annoying, it's illegal:

California Vehicle Code Section 22107: Turning Movements and Required Signals.
No person shall turn a vehicle from a direct course or move right or left upon a roadway until such a movement can be made with reasonable safety and then only after the giving of an appropriate signal in the manner provided in this chapter in the event any other vehicle may be affected by the movement.

Does it really take too much effort to reach your hand down 4 inches and press down or up with a slight amount of pressure? I lived in Germany for a few years and besides being able to drive 150mph, the great thing about driving there is the order and structure. The Germans drive, well...like Nazi's. People use the passing lane for it's intended use, passing people. No jackasses driving 62 in the fast line, everyone uses turn signals, and no moving road blocks caused by two oblivious morons in a subconscious struggle to stay perfectly in sync with each other. When there is an accident or traffic jam in Germany, everyone turns on their hazards lights to warn the traffic behind them. Whether this is altruistic or not wanting get rear ended, it doesn't matter, I enjoyed it. When there is a traffic jam in America we just close our eyes, clench our fists, and slam on our brakes at the last minute. Genius...The worst part about driving in this state is the unpredictability. No standards. Everyone just drives to the beat of their own drum. And your drumming sucks. Now, I consider myself to be somewhat of a nice guy. With the exception of when I am driving. I transform from an easy going person to the incredible hulk the second I get behind the wheel. I automatically start hating the world. I can't help it; it's my automotive defense mechanism. Anyway...just use your turn signal. Please

Sacramento scares the living shit out me

Or maybe it's all of California? Not sure...but I'm terrified of this place. My wife will often look out of the car window as we drive north on I5 and glance down at Discovery Park. She always says "that looks like a nice park, we should go sometime". I then take a quick glance and notice that the park is ALWAYS empty. I think to myself "In a city of like a million people, why, in the heart of the city, is a beautiful place like this always abandoned? Are people just too lazy to go outside and play? Are dogs not getting any exercise? There must be a reason for the lack of usage". Well there is a reason: If you go to Discovery Park, you will die. It seems Discovery Park is a haven for vagabonds and let's face it, vagabonds aren't known for their politeness and manners. I recently found out a women was killed in Discovery Park, and then the killer proceeded to burn her corpse. Holy shit....Not being a serial killer myself, the only logic I can deduce from this situation, is that the killer was so idiotic, they thought that the corpse might actually burn down and remove all evidence of the crime. Either way, it's fucked up. I've also heard stories of people getting bum rushed, literally, while riding their bicycle and then getting their bikes stolen. Imagine you're enjoying some of excramento's great weather, riding your bike, minding your own business and out of the bushes comes an angry meth head, he shoves you off your bike, and then rides off leaving you injured and bewildered. That actually happens here. I also heard a great story coming out of Stockton. A guy proceeds to rob a liquor store at gunpoint and the transaction goes as well as those things can go. No harm, money exchanged, have nice day…etc. Well, as this guy is walking to his criminal lair, he then gets shot and robbed by some very opportunistic criminals. So, in Stockton, robbers rob the robbers. Apparently, even if you've displayed the poor judgment of committing a felony with a sawed off shotgun, this gives you no street cred. I'm building a safe house.

I hate you and your stupid Prius

It seems like Toyota must be giving away free prii in Sacramento. Seriously, these things are multiplying like flies on a turd. In the 1990's the way to tell the world that you had been neutered and domesticated was to own a minivan. Every guy driving a minivan was a broken, shell of a human being. Like watching a lion pacing anxiously at the zoo. Well, the 21st century version of a vagina on wheels is the Toyota Prius. There is no better way to instantly forfeit your man card than to buy a Prius. Just look at the colors for god sakes. They look like moving Easter eggs. And the tech specs: Your camel toe on wheels with it's 1.4L, 4cl monster engine produces...wait for it...98 horsepower. Ha! My Harley Motorcycle produces around 90 hp. I just want to go poop on a Prius right now! I know the reason why people buy them and here's my response. By saving a few bucks on gas you're saying one of two things: Either I am too poor to afford gas or I think I am smarter and better than you because I own a Prius. Every time I look at the driver of a Prius, I see some smug, jackass who feels like he deserves a participation trophy for driving his hybrid clitoris. Oh and by the way assholes, you're making real men pay higher prices for the vehicles that actually deserve gas. The other reason people drive this mobile labia is because they believe they are saving the planet. To think that buying a Prius is in any way affecting the global climate is ludicrous. The factories that build the Prius emit more carbon and consume more energy than you will ever not emit buy owning this shitty car. And let's not forget about how toxic that battery is. An accident with a Prius is probably an environmental disaster similar to the Exxon Valdez. Anyways....if you really want to save money and the environment...Ride a bike.

Battling Addiction by Blogging

I'm an idiot. I am a freaking moron. I have everything I could ever need or want in the world. An amazing high paying job, a beautiful and incredible wife, the worlds coolest dog, you name it...I am a lucky bastard. So....why with all this, do I decide to drink myself into oblivion every chance I get? Can there really be any valid justification to damaging your body like this? I sometimes tell myself....I'm just bored, or I a read study that coffee combats the effects of cirrhosis....What a douchebag. Like drinking massive amounts of coffee could possibly reverse that much consumption of poison. I also use justifications like: It helps pass the time or that I must have some subconscious fear I am trying to subdue. It's all bullshit. My liver enzymes were off the chart and if I don't stop drinking, I risk doing serious, permanent damage to my body. Does this stop captain douchebag from drinking? Hell no...I'm 32 years old and I am guessing that if I keep this up, I'll be dead by 40. Sometimes I tell my self...maybe doing whatever the hell I want for 40 years is better than torturing myself with running (invented by Satan himself) and eating vegan smoothies and getting hit by a blimp at 37. These of course are all jackass thoughts and the bottom line is that I need to stop drinking. I think deep down, I really want too, but then for some reason I keep buying the shit. Oh...another good one I tell myself, is that I'll keep a bottle around in case I get alcohol withdrawal symptoms...That "emergency" bottle has never lasted more that a few days. So here I am, captain moron, ruining my body for no apparent reason. Oh, here's another good one, I am actually thinking about smoking cigars as a supplement to drinking. Nice thought asshole. The only thing this will accomplish is destroying brand new body parts not affected by alcohol. Genius. I am guessing by the time it effects my career and marriage, it'll be too late and I'll either need a serious medically supervised detox or my liver will be nothing more that a piece of charcoal. Anywho...I'm hoping people read my inane rantings (not always about booze) and respond in kind. If I can make one person crack a smile, or one person helps me overcome addiction, or whatever....then this would have served a purpose....peace out